Do you still remember the ex? Psychologists Explain Why and How to Clear Your Mind

Almost every one of us catches ourselves thinking about a former partner at a certain moment, whether that first love, a brief adventure or a finished marriage. Although we often feel that “is not in order”, it's totally normal and why we shouldn't feel guilty about it

Sometimes, just a smell, a TV show, or a place to turn us into memories and wake up feelings from the past. Although comparing the current relationship with a past may be “years of joy”, psychologist and counselor Joanna Strong It points out that thinking of past love should not be a source of shame.

A Chance for Personal Growth

She explains that memories of former partners often relate to unresolved issues or homesickness for what might have been. Relationships are important and have a profound impact, so when they end, it is natural to leave behind the emotions we have to deal with. Often, when a former one comes to mind or when feelings toward someone from the past still exist, it is because that report has not fully disconnected”, Strong explains.

However, she adds that this process should be viewed as an opportunity for personal development. Healthful thinking can help us to develop, not repeat the same patterns. ”

In the same line, biological anthropology Helen Fisher From Rutgers University, romantic love has proved that romantic love activates the same addictional areas of the brain. This explains why, after the breakup, the brain “requires restoring” of the feeling of love and why thoughts about the former appear in complexities. According to her, memories of the former partner are often like neurological reflections, not necessarily the desire for a return, but for the feeling associated with it, Telegraph broadcasts.

Turn to Yourself

Joanna Strong explains that after a breakup it is only natural to ask ourselves what the other person is doing, how he feels, or whether he thinks about us. However, it suggests a change of focus: “instead of focusing on the other, it is better to focus on ourselves. The most helpful question is, With what feelings am I left? What models are repeated in my relationship? And what internal needs require attention?”

According to American psychologist Guy Winchauthor of the book Emotional First Aid, memories of past love are emotional, not realistic. The brain does not preserve the person's neutral image, but the feeling we've experienced next to him, security, passion or belonging. So when we think about an ex, we often do not miss that person himself, but the way he has made us feel.

What do we really lack?

Modern culture often pressures that “move forward” right after a split, but Strong stresses the importance of an emotional recovery period. Having feelings for a former partner, even when you're in a new relationship, is not taboo.

Many customers come to me with guilt because they think it's a sin to be with one person and think of another. But that does not always mean that something is wrong,” explains it. Sometimes thinking of someone from the past is just a sign that we lack a way of life, a sense of attachment, or a certain intimacy, not the person himself. It doesn't mean that we're destined to go back with them, but that our mind has tied that feeling to that person, and that's why we're missing. ”

When Should You Seek Help?

It is important to discern when healthy reflection turns into obsession. Strong warns that professional assistance is necessary when memories of former partner begin to negatively affect mental or physical health. “If thinking about the former makes you unhappy, affects sleep or the way he behaves toward others, it's a sign that it should be worked on a deeper level,” she says.

Psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne From the University of Massachusetts notes that if for more than three months thoughts about the former influence humor, concentration or self - esteem, it is time to seek professional assistance. It recommends using techniques such as “reformation of thoughts” and “doctox3> to help the brain break off the toxic emotional connections and restore balance.

It concludes that separation is a form of emotional grief. It's important to give ourselves time and space for reflection. The therapy of grief usually starts about six months after the breakup because people need time to process and accept what happened. ”

British therapist Julia SamuelThe author of the book This Too Shall Pass points out that forgetting is, not memory wipe, but emotional transformation. To move forward, we must recognize that love does not disappear but changes form. The relationship ends, but its impact continues and that is normal. ”/elegrapher