Sex secrets: What we hide from our partners and why

When people describe the traits they want in a romantic partner, sincerity usually comes to the top of the list. However, even though we want partners who will always tell us the truth, many of us hide things in our relationships, especially sex life.

So how many people are keeping sexual secrets? What are they hiding? And why are they keeping this information from their partners?

A recent study published in Sexualy & Culture magazine tried to find out. Researchers surveyed 195 students for their sexual secrets. Participants concluded a survey of 39 questions about the number and kind of sexual secrets they held, their reasons to hide this information, and previous experiences when they revealed them.

It turned out that more than a third of the participants (36%) said they had at least one sex secret in their current or most recent romantic connection. However, more than half (55%) said they had discovered a sexual secret to a partner at some point in the past.

Participants reportedly had secrets for a wide range of reasons; however, the kinds of secrets people held differed based on their gender.

For women, the most common things they hid from their partners were:

1) stories of sexual victimization

2) Betrayal to a partner in the past

3) interest in BDSM

4) Use of pornography

5) Enjoying sexual toys

The most common things they were hiding for men included:

1) Using pornography

2) They had previously tried three - way sex

3) Betrayal to a partner in the past

The reasons for men and women to keep sexual secrets also changed. In particular, women were more likely to report keeping secrets because they thought partners would not understand; otherwise, men were more likely to keep secrets because they thought the partner would not accept their behavior.

Other reasons for maintaining sexual secrets included fear that their partner would reveal the secret to others, were ashamed, and worried that this would end the relationship.

When secrets were discovered, this happened most frequently through a face - to - face discussion, followed by telephone discovery or text messages. However, some participants reported that their secrets were discovered by others (including friends, family members and former) that they appeared on social networks or were accidentally discovered.

Most people reported positive experiences when they discovered sexual secrets. They said that they felt relieved and that their partner appreciated that they spoke the truth. However, there were also cases of disapproval and regret that ended in divisions.

It is possible (and likely) that the kinds of sexual secrets people carry (and their reasons for having them) may change with age, but this is a restriction to study.

That said, these findings suggest that it is not unusual for people to keep sexual secrets in their relationships and that there are countless reasons for maintaining some background information. However, the fact that people reported more positive than negative experiences by sharing their secrets suggests that there is often the benefit and value of being honest about your sexual past.

Source Layer: Psychology Today